..be transformed by the renewing of your mind

Well, failed my driving test, gonna retake it on Valentine’s Day next year.

I should learn how not to let nervousness get the best of me.

Just can’t help being nervous, even at work, when being assessed, my hands become shaky infront of my manager…

And even when I play the piano, when someone is watching me, I get nervous too, and jumble up the piece. 

Why is my personality like that… I think it’s because I put the focus on worrying over how ppl will assess me instead of the task at hand. 

Need to learn how to improve in this area.

I’m gonna be 23.

So, better learn not to be so nervous when I reach that age. Better be more cool.

lol..

And Kana today told me many things like, “Serena, you must start thinking about marriage, you must get to know more guys, you cannot expect a guy from outerspace to tell you he loves you when he know nothing about you.”

“You are already 23 and you should start getting married at this age. You must do something about it.”

Me,” But I don’t want. I don’t feel the pressure, I still feel like I’m eighteen at heart. I think I’ll never even get married.”

Kana: “I won’t allow you to.”

.

Even my mom is like trying to matchmake me recently with the guys at her workplace. But I’m like” YUCK!!! I DON’T WANT!!!!!!!” while stamping my feet. And my colleagues were like telling me to broaden my horizon and all that, which I keep on saying,” I DON’T WANT!!!”

I’ve been single for sometime already, and it’s like the best part of my life so far.

Though there is a guy that I like, but I think that I should give it up as the time is ripe to give it up.

I like throwing dusty, old things away, giving things like these up, which is rather a “shiok” feeling.

Being single doesn’t mean that you lack something or you are incomplete.

Singleness doesn’t mean that you are unwanted or unloved.

No human can ever fill the void that’s in your heart except God.

For now, I just want to do well in the things given by God to me. And grow as a child of God, be a better daughter, sister, and do well in my job arena to my best ability.

Which all requires time.

I’m really thankful that I’m single.

It’s a gift.

I don’t announce to everybody that I’ve become single after 4 years and 7 months of a relationship, so those who came to know of it are rather shocked.

I prefer to keep problems to myself and to my closest friends.

So.

Life is so wonderful, and there is nothing more that I can ask right now.

To remain like this.

I think I’m really crazy at times.

And my thinking is really really very weird at times.

What am I thinking ?!

The mind is a battlefield.

I think I need to learn not to always “depend” on others, especially at work, where you still have the kiddy mentality that your managers will always keep a look out for you.

Need to learn not to take plans and things for granted that they will fall into place.

Really learned that today. Though there are still 2 solutions. I hope it’s the 2nd one in the end, though it will be more troublesome– regarding my leave slot for the batam church camp in dec.

Serena, wake up!!

I have thought of my new year resolution already. To keep track of my leaves, to keep track of my schedules, to keep track of the things I need to do, to prioritise the things that I need to do, to learn more and to make less serious mistakes if possible. And. Of course, to have a better relationship with my Heavenly Father.

Why is my thinking so weird at times. I just don’t get it. It’s not genetic. It’s not environmental. It’s kinda hard to change it to be more normal. But sometimes it works to my advantage, sometimes not.

Just need to keep the balance.

To avoid freaking people around me out.

..

I was really happy for Cora and I really felt honoured that I am the first person she told about her engagement.

“Serena, I have something to tell you.”

She showed me her engagement ring.

I was so happy for her, I held her hands, jumped and hugged her. ”Yeah!!!”

So happy for her. Sweet Cora. Undescribable joy.

Then she told me,

“Serena, you must put your trust in the Lord.”

I can’t help but to keep on shining for you.

I can’t help but to be so happy for what you’ve done.

Let me shine on..

And let your strength be displayed in me.

I’m overjoyed that my father has agreed to my baptism. But it’s my mother (to my surprise) who is slightly against it now.

I approached my father as he was walking towards me (he was in a good mood), I said in my most cutesy puss-in-boots expression,”Eh, Baba, eh…” Then I continued to put on my most “angelic act cute” look while he teased,”Is it you want to use the computer?” Then I said,” Eh, December hor…” He said,”You got bonus?” “Yes, December I have bonus…. and…” I took a deep breath, act cute some more, while quickly saying a silent prayer to God. ” December I’m gonna be baptised.” Then he suddenly look surprised, and act sternly while saying,”But we won’t be going.” Then I was so happy I was literally jumping around. “Yeah !Yeah! Yeah!” Then I jumped into their room, when I came out, my mom who was in the living room, said,” Huh, what did she tell you? Baptism? Never get my approval, only get your approval, I don’t agree!” Then I “Huh…. ” Then I tried to act in my puss-in-boots look while explaining to her all over.

She asked me what would I do during funerals and during Chinese New Year when our family visits the Buddhist temple (in Geylang which is run by my paternal grand-aunts). I told her I would just stand behind and be solemn, but I cannot pray or bow. They understand that, which has been a very tough struggle in the past years, that every cny I’ve been trying to come up with strategies to overcome it. (Thought of ideas like pretending stomachache, pretended to throw a fit-epilepsy, or pretended that my arms cramped.) But those few early years were tough when I refused to participate in their praying, or holding of incense. But thank God, IT’S FINALLY OVER!!!! YEAH!!!!! HURRAY!!!

Now, my mother insists that I take my Buddhist ”registration card” that I had when I was a baby to the original temple to cancel the ”registration”. I was like ”HUH.. Today very tired leh.” I was afraid that the monk at the temple would nag at me and ask me not to quit. But amazingly, my father said the Buddhist monks are not like “us” won’t nag at me, and they would be open to my baptism.

Whew.

Finally.

The final step.

After 4 years plus, finally.

I CAN BE BAPTISED ALREADY!!!

I’m happy because baptism is a outward profession of my faith, though I’m already saved and cleansed, it is also a legal requirement by the government for religions to be registered.

So, my family has somehow offically accepted me as a Christian finally. And I’ll be “legally” recorded as a Christian this 23/12/2007.

Next up would be my younger sis turn.

But my younger brother and parents are still Buddhists.

Will continue to pray.

And.

92.4 fm is nice. I was using the computer, that my Dad has left on with 92.4fm. And heard a long consecutive series of nice music. Was curious what are some of their titles. Last time I had a rebellious period, whereby I don’t like the things my father like, like 92.4fm, because he only listened to 92.4 fm all the time while driving and at home while doing housework. But now I realise, it feels very much at home listening to 92.4 fm, and since it’s something I’ve grown up with. And something that will always remind me of my father.

And how everything is reconciled now.

First of all, my parents are back from their conference trip to Penang. And they sure look happy to be back. My Dad says it’s kind of boring and nothing much over there, but I’m still glad and happy that they still had this small holiday.

My mom bought a purple pouch with a cat on it, which is quite cute. And it made feel like “Aw, my mom cares for me..” once in a blue moon… Brings back memories when I was young and she would buy toys for me. Reminded me that I’m still her little kiddy girl in her heart. Mushy stuff.

Next up, I have officially 2 more driving lessons to go before my driving test, and I better take these 2 lessons seriously. I need to get the list of marking criteria from my driving instructor and memorise it by heart… I must pass, I don’t care no matter the impossibility is there… I can do it.. But even if I fail, it’s okay and I won’t take it too hard. :p

And, assignments and essays piling up. I need to improve my English writing skills, grammar and essay structure fast. Because most of my tutors are from England, and they are marking according to the UK standard, so I better buck up. Got to force myself to read at least a few chapters of “English Skills, The Write Right Guide, How to read and Speak better English” everyday. 

I need to make good use of my laptop. Not for playing games, watching dvds, or nonsense things. But really need to put up my library of information, of drugs, of things to do, of notes inside. A laptop is an excellent invention and I don’t want to use it for doing nonsense things, though I am inclined to do those.

And Church camp in Bintam or Batam (Always mix up the two)? in Dec. Thank God, I finally managed to negotiate with my “Manager” at the workplace to get leave slots for it. Just nice and managed to get it. Yeah!! Will be sharing a room with Lixia. Heee, hope she’ll be used to my nonsense.

And gonna be baptized end of this year on Christmas Sunday. Haven’t break the news to my parents yet, though tried to test the waters. But I’m confident that they will accept it if I bring it up at the appropriate time. Please pray for me that they will be supportive..

And. Lessons to juggle, which is getting philosophical, and theoretical. Made me think a lot about the purpose of my profession too, thanks to the lecturer.

And, Mio plan coming up.

Life has never been this good.

It’s time to be a grown up, and stop using my old ways of doing things like making decisions based on others and things instead of the best for myself.

Time to be real and be my real self and not trying to match up to others’ expectations of me..

Woohoo…